went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
