i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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