sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
