Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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