I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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