there's paper in my vomit.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
