under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
