I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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