she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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