It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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