Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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