Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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