apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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