Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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