First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
