barbara walters just said penis...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
