God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
