you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
