Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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