I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
