Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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