I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
