I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
