Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
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So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
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YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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