do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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