just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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