I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
