wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
