My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
