brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
