I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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