Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
