I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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