you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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