I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
