so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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