went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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