Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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