you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
