Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
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My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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