my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
im on a boat
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