3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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