he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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