you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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