These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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