worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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