In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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