the new term for farting is butt boxing.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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