Betty ford says i'm here all night
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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