I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
