Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
