I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
