I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
