I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Randomize
