We're like a lot better than the average bears
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
