Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
