turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
