im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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