We're like a lot better than the average bears
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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