why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
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